I’ve been beating myself up mentally a lot lately. It’s not easy being this overweight and out of shape. It’s been a rough road, a long year. As Miles’ first birthday approaches, a month from tomorrow, I am reminded as to how much I’ve fallen short.
Even though I’ve lost weight, maybe 20lbs, maybe 30lbs, or even 40lbs if you count from the day of birth… It still doesn’t count as anything in my book. Until I’m pre-preg weight and losing to reach my elite running weight, none of it counts. I’m closer some weeks, but too far away to give myself a pat on the back anytime soon.
It weighs heavily on me. I’ve never been this large. This body is hard to dress. I rarely feel comfortable. And I feel like a fraud writing about health, when I am a picture of someone unhealthy. I’m trying, but not hard enough.
I wish I could say I didn’t care about my body or my weight. It is what it is. I can blame media, being made fun of growing up, or a host of other issues. None of that matters, as I am who I am and I am tied to this body. No amount of “love your body” will change how I feel. Instead, the only option is to push hard, train and change this body to something I feel more comfortable in.
Running helps me to appreciate my body for what it provides, but sometimes I kick myself so hard that it becomes difficult to even get out and run. The irony. I will still run though, as I have goals, and people secretly competing with me. Okay, well it’s not a secret anymore… I’m motivating others. At least someone is benefiting.
With every season, this too shall pass. I’m trying to figure out what to eat, while reminding myself that I was doing decently before getting pregnant and ballooning in size. Though, digestive issues are making me evaluate more of what goes down the hatch.
I’ve also only put in about 4 months of work in the past year. I can’t assume it’s been 11 months of hard workouts getting me nowhere fast… it hasn’t. I’m not doing bad for 4 months, maybe.
In due time. I’ll figure it out. In a year, none of this will matter…
I’ll be training for my second marathon, I just know it.
Anyway, I’ll just try to keep advancing the ball.
Equipment used: iPod Touch 5G
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