God grant me the serenity | #priorities

to accept the things I cannot change;

a) No matter how hard I try, my height tops out at 5’4 and 3/4″; my hopes of being a VS runway model are futile.

b) How others treat me.

c) Whether or not our house will sell quickly, slowly, or with larger or small hassles.

d) While I enjoy photographing weddings, I do not love the anxiety that comes before no matter how many I shoot.

e) My weight-loss is up to my body to decide the details of how it will all work out in the end.

courage to change the things I can;

a) While I may not grow taller, I do have the choice to grow stronger and utilize the body I’ve been given.

b) How I act and react to their behavior.

c) Have faith our house will sell; all I can do is keep it clean and pray.

d) Make the decision to no longer photograph weddings; lifting the weight off my shoulders.

e) Choosing what to eat and how to move my body. No shortcuts. No magic pills. No food challenges.

and wisdom to know the difference.

The hose to the sprinkler in the flower garden of my brain has been kinked. I’ve been diligently working behind the scenes to un-kink the hose and reset the sprinkler to bring optimism, beauty, and growth to my ever flowering mind.

Okay, that sounded weird, but it made total sense in my brain when I thought it up at 5:53am this morning.

This poem brought to mind a way to look at what’s going on:

– I’ve resented being a mother at various times, because it’s stopped me from taking care of myself. It’s not Miles’ fault. He’s just a cute baby guy who loves his Mommy, but like all toddlers I’d like to siphon off some of his energy for myself. That’s where deciding to take extra B-complex vitamins may be helping. Oh, and getting back out and moving my body does wonders for my energy levels. Now, if my body would just heal faster we’d be BFFs again.

– I’ve been stressed out over putting our house on the market. Yes, we’ve decided to commit to selling our home. Losing sleep worried about the costs involved in moving on, while basking in the excitement of possibly starting a new chapter in our lives very soon, has not been helping this mood of mine.

– Weddings, ah, I love to hate them. The months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds leading up to the work is what kills me. Afterward, I love it. While Chris compliments me on how I work at weddings and blend into families, and my clients adore my work, I just cannot do it anymore. My nerves are too important to keep intact now with more on my plate (see: family, marathon training, moving). Richard and Esther’s wedding was my last, and it feels wonderful to end on such a positive note!

– Let’s not even get started talking about my body issues…

With all this angst, a list of priorities is in order:

Priority #1) Writing.
Writing each day opens my mind to the secrets and creativity that are held inside. While I do write mostly on the paper pages of my journals, I’d like to try writing at a regular time each day (maybe morning), using an app such as DayOne and then publishing a Blurb text only book each year to store my thoughts. Our attic currently stores over 20 years of handwritten journals I’m embarrassed by. While I’d like to burn them, Chris says he admires that I have a written history of my life that he’ll never have. So, they’ll move with us, for now.

Priority #2) Meditating.
Meditation is glorious, when I actually sit down to do it. I love to discuss it with others, but I have not been practicing. In addition to the meditative effects of writing, and exercising below, I’d like to cut out time for me to sit quietly and explore the depths of my mind. I haven’t yet decided if this will be a morning or night routine, but I’m leaning toward evening.

Priority #3) Running/Walking/Lifting.
Being on an upswing for several months was fabulous with exercising. I believe it was what finally banished the spell of PPD and renewed my faith in life. I want to focus not only on running as I was, but moreso on overall well being. I want my whole body to feel strong. With my ever increasing focus on running, I’ve neglected my muscles and the pleasure of simple walking. I believe this is what lead to my foot problems (muscle imbalances). A plan to workout six days a week, focusing on moving and strengthening, while adding in endurance for the marathon is where it is at.

Priority #4) Healthful Eating.
I am such a social eater. I will easily down tons of food in front of other people, or alone. In taking notice of my eating patterns under stress, food drops down the hatch often when I am not even hungry. My desire for poor foods jumps when I don’t sleep, I’m exhausted from exercising, work, and keeping up with everything else. Focusing on the above will also help me focus on powering my body’s furnace with the best fuel.

Priority #5) Family.
Once I’ve taken good care of myself, only then am I able to care the best for others. Of course, my family would come next because all of them (extended included) matter a lot to me. A relaxed mommy is a good thing.

Priority #6) Home.
A house is a house, but only you can make it a home. Right now, we’re in transition, our home bare and minimalist. While I thought I’d always love a minimalist home, it is bare of any warmth or love right now in order to sell. When we reach our final destination, I can already dream images of how the next house will become our home. I can see entertaining family and friends, walking out the front door to run the neighborhood and cooking up fabulous meals. I will get a beautiful kitchen with big windows, right?

Priority #7) Passions.
With caring for myself, my family and our home, only then will I be able to give my best of the best to my passions. I have so many passions, some are listed above, that this is kind of an addition to wrap-up my priorities. Obviously, if I wasn’t passionate about writing or running, I wouldn’t do those things. So, passions are mixed in, as well as the final frontier.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
 
–Reinhold Niebuhr
 
I feel more at peace putting this out there. I have been struggling silently to focus, grow and accept what is in my life. I am loving Goin’s work as a reminder to commit to life, this life, in all of its ups and downs. Commit to the life you have and create it into the one you want.