I used to be awesome. Something fabulous was bubbling up and out of me. Two years ago, I was being me, being awesome. Hell, I overused the word awesome way too much. I loved writing. I loved people. I loved my day job. I loved photography. I loved plugging away, day after day, trying to change the world. Me, I was damn awesome.
Then it all came crashing to a halt. Dream came true: we started a family. I was sick for months on end; pregnancy was not my friend. I pushed people away. I wasn’t nice. I was rude. I was miserable. My body grew beyond belief. I struggled with finding my place in it all. I still struggle finding how I fit into this ginormous body and into the role as a mom. Our world came crashing down, then our world opened up. Then, my world came crashing down, and seemed to keep spiraling. I was awesome, but no longer.
Can I be awesome again?
People can change. We can change. I can change. Heck, the time will pass anyway, right?
I was downright rude to people, often hating myself seconds later and still regretting words to this moment. It wasn’t them, it was me. I hated who I had become. I hated my life. And I felt lost (sometimes still am) about what my purpose is on this planet, even if I have one to begin with. I am disappointed I deleted years worth of useful blog posts, because I no longer wanted to exist. Smack me next time I consider deleting it all and disappearing to live in the forest, or maybe on a nice warm beach.
Thank goodness others openly share their stories, otherwise I’m not sure where I’d be today.
I feel most alive when I’m helping other people. When I’m sharing information, watching others grow, and giving them a hand up. I love when someone says they read something on my blog that inspired them to workout, eat healthier or try something new. Now, that’s pretty freakin’ awesome!
I recently received an email from a nice young man about advice for starting a photography business. I gave him all I had, without writing an entire book, leaving the door open for more questions. A year or even two years ago, I would have deleted that email or wrote back with a few lines about not knowing much and move on. He would have been competition, or so I thought.
No one is your competition, when you’re being yourself.
I’m here on this earth to help others. I want to be awesome again. I’ve just been lost as to how or when to get started. I’ve wanted to write about so many topics happening all around me, but have hidden myself away for fear of judgement.
Screw it. I’m shooting for awesome. The years will go by regardless, why not choose awesome instead of being mediocre? It’s hard work to share yourself, but work worth doing.
Let’s see what awesome-ness I can come up with this summer. I’ve already had several ideas burning in the back of my mind. Time to put the pedal to the metal and blow this popcorn stand.
Want to be awesome with me?