Walking through the leaves.

I’ve been struggling through some moments in life this fall and I’ve been walking to try to calm my soul, take the pressure off, and reevaluate my goals. I have missed running tremendously, and the only person I can blame is myself. I’ve tried T25, but I find it boring even though I know it’ll give me great abs. I like it as a supplement, but I just do not want to commit to it.

I love to run, this is the perfect season to do so, yet the two times I’ve tried, I’ve made it a block away from home only to turn around and give up. Bummer.

In order to rewire my brain, I’ve been listening to various podcasts while I walk during my lunch break. It has been helping me decide what goals I’d like to achieve, and what just isn’t that important right now. I’ve been overwhelming myself with work, fitness desires, personal goals, family plans, and house reno projects. It’s all been way too much.

And, well, I broke down and cried over it. The ugly cry. Gah, Beavis. Totally embarrassing.

I’m pretty sensitive, especially with other’s opinions of me. It’s my biggest downfall as a human being… I care too much what other people think and not enough about what I think of myself. My self confidence disappeared this past month, went on a vacation somewhere I’d probably rather be right now — sunny, warm, and eating well. Ha.

I posted this photo to IG the other day with the caption “the moment it all falls apart” to let myself be vulnerable for a moment, to feel, to be true to who I am. Life’s not perfect for any of us. What I’m being told by God is that there are no bad days in life, just moments to be learned from.

Several friends have been wonderful throughout my journey of stress, reminding me this is a “season” and to live “your truth” — very much appreciated. I’m not sure where I lost myself in this process, but man, I was lost there for a few days. Unsure of who I was, why I was here, and why I would even want to continue on. Chris was my rock, Miles as well, reminding me that I’m one of the toughest people they know… and I’ll get through this just like I have every other tough day, hard moment, rocky season of life.

Sometimes being vulnerable helps you reach that point when you can smile again. After losing myself earlier in the day, we attended my cousin’s wedding, where we felt the groom’s sister, Melissa’s, presence strongly there. The evening was beautiful, and the sunshine and a ridiculous husband selfie is just what I needed to snap out of it and remember to be in the present.

He claimed the sun hurt his eyes, but he does this to me all the time. I rarely get a nice “selfie” of the two of us, every time I check the photos, something is just… off. Silly man.

And the weekend culminated with what I thought at first was a praying mantis on my car, but my cousin pointed out later it was a leaf bug. I’m still going to say this guy was a sign that there is so much beauty to be had in life and to cherish each day we have together.

I know I’ll survive this season, I’ll come out a better person and stronger for the next. I felt it was important to show that life is not full of perfect moments we always see in our news feeds, and at times, we all have those dark, ugly, tearful moments that rock our depths and wake us up. This was mine, and thank goodness I’m past it for now.

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