It was a beautiful sunny morning this day last year. I had taken off sick from work, feeling like I needed a mental health day to refresh and spend time with Monkey. We had just walked back from the park and into the house to find my mom on the phone; a deep gasp and crying. I knew immediately someone had passed away.
It felt the same as the day my Dad passed. I stayed home from work, it was an unusual warm sunny day, and then the phone call came. It’s almost like God knew I should be home in those moments, there to grieve openly and immediately. Both days, random days taken, just because I felt a deeper need to be home.
A year ago today, my cousin passed away and it still stings a bit like it was yesterday. We didn’t see each other as often as I’m sure we’d all have liked, but she was someone I admired and looked up to. Someone I was thankful to have had in my life, even if from afar. Her emails always a comfort when they popped up. Sometimes I feel like she’s still here, and it’s only a matter of weeks before we’ll see each other at a pool day again this summer. Similar to feeling at times my Dad may just be on a trip, but he’ll return home any day now to share his adventures.
Grief is a long process that unfolds for each person very differently. I feel like there are deeper connections in the world than we often consider. When my Dad passed, I knew that I was going to have a son when we decided to have children. Often times I see a lot of my Dad’s personality in Miles. His quirks, his humor, hvibrancynce all remind me of my Dad’s enormous personality.
What surprised me about having another boy this time was that I felt, after my cousin had passed, that the next would surely be a girl. It felt like there was a connection to the other side. I felt it from the moment that Bambi lay on my stomach (unknowingly pregnant at the moment) the few hours before she traveled to the rainbow bridge. And still, sometimes I wonder, maybe it might still be a girl (the ultrasound wasn’t exactly conclusive from my point of view like Miles’ was so so obvious).
I know I’m being silly. With such updated technology, how can a tech get the parts wrong, but one never knows until such little lives arrive. I won’t have anymore ultrasounds to check, so I’ll just plan for a boy, but be open for a surprise (now wouldn’t that be fun!). We already have names picked out for both; we had a girl name picked out for months prior to finding out.
Sometimes being a deep thinker is a curse. It gets me into trouble, causes me a lot of stress, and I often question existence far more than the average person. On the other hand, I’m thankful for thinking deeply about our connections here and beyond, as it helps me find solace and faith in daily living when it sometimes seems pointless or too much to bear.
I’m thankful for the events in the past year, as each moment unfolded it shaped and turned our direction in a different way. Some subtle, some more abrupt. There are reasons beyond our understanding and having faith and trust are the only way to process these moments for me.
With what lies ahead this year for me, I’m struggling to have faith it will all work out okay, but I am reminded of the trials of years past and how we’ve gotten through; sometimes just one day at a time. I’m back to taking it all one day at a time, as the long view is too much to ponder. Very little is ideal or how I planned it out, but we all know God laughs at our plans.
Take some time today to be thankful. Gratitude has been a huge help in getting through the trials that bubble up in my mind, as well as what I see coming in the near future. I’m grateful to be in this stress, as I know one day it’ll bloom into strength for the next trial ahead. Let’s just hope that trial is quite a bit in the future; I need a little break 🙂
Maybe just a few seriously good nights of sleep…
– kate –